Die Schläge

everyone’s writing about the past and the new year. and these are the things ive learnt in the past year.

1. humans are not to be trusted
yes, there are relationships; marriage, best friends, colleagues, soulmates, which are made from trusts. but to me, there is no 100% goodness in human. not even 50%.
yes, i am bitter. but that way i prevent the aching.

2. there are no forever and ever
all things must end, so prepare yourself in a way that tomorrow would never came. its even told on the Bible. jobs, friends, life… it all will be taken away. dont hold ur grip too much, or you will end up hurting yourselves.

3. sometimes you just have to fight
for i am nothing, thus i have nothing. this set of mind truly have to be changed. a lifetime is just minutes passes by. you are the only one who you can depend on.
dont hope too much of a miracle. face it, you are not a saint enough to experience one.

4. love freely and hope nothing in return
by then we will have peace.

5. and the most important thing ive learnt is dont give in easily.
you, we, are so much worthy than we think we are. thats why the first thing ought to be done is OBSERVE..then act.
just like the lions, learn how to be a predator. its much way better than to be eaten up.

Betrayed is the most appropriate word to describe this. I was wrong to trust any of you. I have never extremely furious about anything…..
You can turn your backs away, but I don’t care. So go to hell with everything. I will live.
Don’t come crawling when the sky falls upon you cause I wont be there to watch your backs like I used to. My mind, heart, and soul can not take your betrayals.

Ketika kita masih sendiri, kita mengerahkan segala tenaga, usaha dan hati untuk mencari seorang pasangan hidup. Not necesarilly straight looking for a wife or a husband, maybe we’re just looking for an equal companion in our life, a partner to share. And to that matter, kita memiliki kualifikasi masing-masing. Ada yang mencari pria tinggi berbadan tegap, wanita putih berambut panjang, yang punya Mercy, yang pernah sekolah di luar negeri. Apapun itu, masing-masing dari kita punya impian sendiri.
PDKT biasanya menjadi masa yang paling indah ( ini kata kebanyakkan teman saya ), disini justru letak “FUN” dari sebuah hubungan yang baru dimulai. Tarik ulur, saling curi-curi pandang atau sms-an bahkan menelpon atau mengajak jalan bareng. Sampai akhirnya ke tahap “SHARING”. Dan ketika akhirnya sang pria menyatakan perasaannya ( 90% pria aja kok, wanita juga bisa ), dimulailah masa “RELATIONSHIP”.
1 bulan..1 tahun..3 tahun…katanya timing terjadinya kekacauan dan kehancuran sebuah pernikahan ada di tahun-tahun ganjil pertama. Entah benar atau tidak. Karena saya belum menikah, jadi kita skip kata married itu. Although, married or dating, dua-duanya sama-sama butuh komitmen.
So you think you are having the most wonderful time of your life. A perfect partner in crime, a lover, a good kisser, a friend, your soulmate. Nothing could come between you two. Not even your disagreed-mother, your financial situation due to expensive-romantic-dinner for like everyday. You have it all. Romance is now your middle name.
Days go by, same old routinity. One day, you just don’t know how it happens, a new person shows up. OK, this new person is very cool. And out of nowhere, you guys have become friends already. Sharing on casual problems, about the weather or the political situation, whatever. Then you start flirting. You don’t mean to do it because you already have a good relationship with your partner….. right?
The next step is up to you. Question yourself, is that what you really want? What about your so called soulmate?. You wanna go with the flow? Entah yang kita cari itu kesenangan baru, seseorang yang soulmate sejati ( berarti yang dulu kita salah ), atau terpesona oleh gaya berpikirnya yang amat membantu kita dalam troubleshoots.

Mungkin aku pernah merasakan cinta, tapi tak pernah seindah ini
Mungkin aku juga pernah merasakan rindu, tapi tak pernah sedalam ini
Mungkin kamu takkan pernah percaya
Bahwa sesungguhnya aku t’lah terjatuh….
Kuakui aku telah larut….
Larut ke dalam kamu… ( Dewa 19 )

To commit. Real heavy. It takes two to tango.

Lalu apa jadinya, selingkuh? Haram dong? Does that make you a sinner?
Ada teman yang sumbang saran ketika saya mempertanyakan hal ini. Dia bilang, coba yang dipakai logika, bukan perasaan (red:passion). Saya tidak akan bilang selingkuh itu benar atau salah karena bukan dalam konteksnya.

I don’t think we should be worried about having a new friend, AS LONG AS we know where to put ourselves. In the right line that is. Komitmen itu berat. Don’t make one if you are not sure, or plin plan, or plainly kegatelan

there were days i called you stupid..and sometimes i treat you badly. but i loveeeeee you sooo very much. and now im really sad for losing you. i never get the chance to thank you for taking me everywhere…coz that time i never thought of separation.  never crossed my mind. and now it happens… shit. i am really gonna miss you…

B8850LL…my first love…uve brighten up my day….farewell… :((

if i shouldve known from the start
what you feel inside
by giving you a little chance to explain
trying to understand what your love can do to me
never thought it couldve been this way
no no, its not so easy trusting you with my heart
can u be the one who make my dreams come true?

from the start you’ve been an angel to my life
you’ve been my closest friend
someone i can hope, i can trust
never let me be alone
laugh and cry, you’re there beside me
i have found myself in your love and care
now i love you with my heart
coz you love me still from the start

i know its so hard to believe how love can be so strong
after all this time i have found someone
who can let go of my fear

I got up at 7 today, another lazy day between my 3 weeks off. I went to sleep sobbing and got up with a pair of raccoon eyes. Brushed my teeth, washed my face, and soon I was off to the jogging track. The track was full of the elementary kids on their gym class. I don’t know what the tracks are made of, but its red, and when lots of people running by, you actually can inhale the dusts. It’s not healthy, but it’s the best track there is. In the afternoon they spray water onto to minimalize the dusts. I only did 5 laps before I ran out of breath. I don’t feel better. I’m still alone. And heartbroken. I don’t know how my look this morning, but I notice some people were staring while they’re running. What the? I don’t like to be stared at! Spent 15 minutes on one of the benches there, then I went home. To a house where senseless people live. And one poor but stupid cat, left by the owner for 2 weeks to Europe. I am not touching it no matter how poor it is. Period. Oh im just feeling very low right now… with no place to run…there’s no beach in Bandung of course, the nearest would be Pangandaran, that’s 4 hours away driving. And somewhere around Tasikmalaya was hit by earthquake last night, so that area is still dangerous….

I surrender. Im gonna sob my sadness away…

My dad is building his bussiness kingdom, and he wants his children to follow his path….which sounds ridiculous to me. Since i was a kid, somehow, i dont like being in the middle of any of it. I once believed that i do, but now that im on my own way, i thank God. Here is some reasons why :

1. The bussiness is located in Jakarta…now, anyone who knows me, know that I dislike the city. Having a home in the city doesnt make me feel like home at all…thats why i chose to study outside the city. I dont like the traffic, i dont like the harsh people. What i like is living in a small, un-hectic town. Recently i went home to Jakarta, and it took only about half a day for me to get on my nerve, and kept thinking "oh im going away from here tomorrow!!!!" But then, i need to bond with my family as much as i could, so…here i am…stuck at home..

2. His so-called Kingdom, someday, will be inherited… Perhaps us ( the children ) would only be supervisors. But it WILL somehow, makes us stay at home, which i know exactly that isnt what me n my brothers had planned. No no, no staying at home. As for me, im hiding behind my study, and prefer not to show any good intention for the bussiness. As for my older brother who finished his study, he’s in a dilema. Between continuing his study, or go to remote area and help people, or to run the bussiness….poor him.

3. I dont like the way he handles his bussiness. Him and my mom actually. Its been 14+ years…and ive seen no changes. Sure the money keeps flowing and everything, but they are tiring themselves up. I dont know about being a Manager, but i know they suck at it. Its been a family bussiness. I keep telling them how would they improve if they keep handling everything by their own hands alone….

I’ll be graduating soon, have plans to do things OUTSIDE Jakarta ( no intentions on going back home really ), and my dad is holding me back, i can feel it. What you think i should do?

You’re brown, a credible, stable colour that’s reminiscent of fine wood, rich leather, and wistful melancholy. Most likely, you’re a logical, practical person ruled more by your head than your heart. With your inquisitive mind and insatiable curiosity, you’re probably a great problem solver. And you always gather all of the facts before coming to a timely, informed decision. Easily intrigued, you’re constantly finding new ways to challenge your mind, whether it’s by reading the newspaper, playing a trivia game, or composing a piece of music. Brown is an impartial, neutral colour, which means you tend to see the difference between fact and opinion easily and are open to many points of view. Trustworthy and steady, you really are a brown at heart.

http://uk.tickle.com/test/truecolor.html

I can’t honestly say that I was looking for you
And I doubt that you were looking for me
But as God has planned, it all happened…
And here we are.

Because it takes three to make a true and perfect love
God…you…and me.

Ok, these lines maybe are just words and anyone could say it to anyone they want. But the moment I read it ( its printed on my friend’s sister’s wedding invitation ), like… I was stunned and pictured myself standing on my own wedding heheheh
White long lacy gown… walking down the aisle… my soon-to-be-husband by the altar with his so bright face standing up tall. Huhuhuhuh…. I wonder when will that happen
To wed is the common-est question pops out between us ladies. I don’t know, in between the clicking time and the needs to have a partner in life.. I guess that’s the main 2 reasons that me and my girlfriends think to really consider on marrying some guy.
Fit partner, looking at the same life goal, prepared for the good and the bads, and I can actually laugh at his jokes. Goodlooking would be a plus plus though ^_*
My friend had a baby and I came to see her few days ago. This baby of her was cute, and I feel the urge of having one. Yes, they won’t be as cute as the fist time you see it. There will be crying, nappies changing, feeding, and crying, and you will no longer have peace. I mean it, 16 hours from 2 p.m till 6 the morning after, I was at the perinatology room, taking care of at least 20 babies with 3 colleagues… darn, it was hell.
But still, I want to have my owns. A whole pack. Even if the multipara factor would lead to the prolapse of my uterine later on -_-
When im 26 or 27, that’ll be in 2 or 3 years, I’m gonna be married. And soon there would be kids.
Where my PPDS program stands? In between lah… you can’t have two big things started together. It will happen, I will continue my school. At least after I finished my PTT somewhere outside Java…Flores, Manado, or Halmahera, wherever the way leads me.
Bottom line… so little time so much to do!

i tried to be not as plain as i could be. i tried to add colours in my life. but the truth, im not very fond of it.

im just this white marshmallow. plain white, but sweet. tastes better when toasted.

ive tried to brighten up your day and did things that hopefully would popped me out a bit from my tiny little world and actually be noticed.

but i guess it would never be enough. i wont try to be who i am not. and hope that you too will be satisfied enough. if you dont…that we are not meant to be together. if the path is still there, you and i will meet again.